I found this collection of cynical quotes in a file when I was looking for something else. I can’t remember if I found what I was looking for but was intrigued with this gem. My father put these together many years ago and periodically added to them. As far as I know they aren’t attributable to anyone. I think he collected them over the years as he heard them and they tickled his fancy or perhaps his cynicism.
My father kept a quote on the wall of his office about engineers. It was along the lines of a good engineer can make something complicated a great engineer makes it simple. These quotes stayed in his private “Brian Files”.
O’REILLY’S LAW OF THE KITCHEN
Cleanliness is next to impossible
Everyone lies; but it doesn’t matter, since nobody listens.
Virtue is its own punishment
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
HANDY GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE
If it’s green or it wriggles, it’s Biology
If it stinks, it’s Chemistry
If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired!!!
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
OLIVER’S LAW OF LOCATION
No matter where you go, there you are.
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
GLYME’S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
FIRST RULE OF HISTORY
History does not repeat itself – historians merely repeat each other.
GREEN’S LAW OF DEBATE
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
STEWART’S LAW OF RETROACTION
It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Red sky or not and one for the pot, except for February which has 28.
After all, Christmas will come sooner or later.
Like it or not, you only get what you receive.
The day you fail to pack it, is the day you will need it.